How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
