I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
