I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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