So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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