i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
