if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
