i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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