just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's not a walk of shame if you run
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize