Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
