Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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