I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
