my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
