singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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