all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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