I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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