Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
