I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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