You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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