The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
