I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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