If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
