Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
