The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
