i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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