she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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