i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
