ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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