his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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