i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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