I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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