just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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