she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
