I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
