bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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