Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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