im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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