It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
