Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
