dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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