3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
