remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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