dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
