Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
