do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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