My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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