ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
