Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
