Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
