I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
