Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
