On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
