Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
