I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
