They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
