The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
