Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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