he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ok first of all what the fuck
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